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by Reva Gaines

Pain, frustration at the pain, limiting my usual ability to…
My ability to think, to move without discomfort, to live.
I endure….
What was I thinking, oh yeah, concentration is a big issue, memory another…
I hurt; my neck, my back, my knees, my head aches, my feet, hurt…
How to sit or recline to alleviate the unending aches and pains?
Looking around my space, my desk is cluttered with unpaid bills, forgotten mail…
The sink in the kitchen and the countertop is overflowing, but hey, where is the
energy to care enough to clean up, or even freshen up?
I endure….
Let’s head to the bathroom, I need a shower after lying around for days…
On those days, most days, fatigue – can I get up and make it to the couch?
That’s progress right? Is there progress with depression, really ever?
Did I eat? Um, I think so, but I’m not sure. Some days my emotions and I stuff my face!
Did I sleep last night? Lost track of how many times I checked the clock, looked at the ceiling, got irritated…
Why do I do that? To endure, or go crazy!
Now I’m thinking about all of the times I screwed up, lost out, loser!
Mr. Depression please go away. Listless, uninspired, what was I saying?
What happened to everyone I knew over the last twenty or so years?
Oh, yes, no one loves me, I’m all alone today, tonight, tomorrow…
It’s not important, they aren’t here now, but my aches, pains, and depression visit often.
What can I say?
I endure….
How do I know? Because today I’m still here…

Reva Gaines served twenty years in the Army in places as far away as Germany, Japan, and Hawaii. She departed the military, but did not stop moving, she went on to earn a double MBA through the Department of Veteran’s Affairs vocational rehabilitation service. She gratefully owes her long career and education to the United States Army.

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